Tuesday, March 9, 2010

From the Desk of Jennifer Belle's Husband

Dear Reader:

My heart soars with pride—my darling wife, Jennifer Belle, has done it again: written a hit and given it a funny, selling title, The Seven Year Bitch. I only ask you to understand that it’s FICTION. Although she has given the character of the husband a name disturbingly similar to my own--he's "Russell Trent," and my last name is Krents—I bear no resemblance to the fool depicted in these pages. I am not a third Collyer brother; I do not cry when I get stung by a wasp; I do not burp in couple’s therapy. All I’ve done in our wonderful but thankless marriage is continue to do my best to remain human

In this new novel, my wife puts forth a theory about modern marriage and motherhood: namely, that after seven years of it, even the sweetest, most well-meaning wives are forced to become—thanks to their biologically inept husbands—dour, nightgown-wearing MOTHERS. It’s unavoidable. It isn’t their fault. And as spot-on as Jenny's skewering of inattentive, ineffectual husbands might be, I must remind you that it is in no way based on ourown marriage For example, I did not run her over with our car. I barely tapped her. And while I did drive over the stroller on another occasion, I wasn’t the one who left it in the middle of the driveway, and it wasn’t as if our child was in it at the time.

I am very grateful for the part you have played in Jenny’s success, and so is she. In fact, in the hope that you’ll invite her to visit your book club, I’ve packed her bags and put them by the door.

Of course the current recession is a very difficult environment in which to sell books. But Jennifer agrees with Estee Lauder, who, when asked about her views on advertising, said, “I don’t believe in television, I believe in Tell-a-Woman.” Marriage is hard, especially when you throw a kid or two into the mix, but in these pages, I think, my wife has really put her finger on something. Jenny is not a bitch, even when she feels like one. She’s a beautiful, loving wife and mother who has her hands full working and taking care of our boys. While she may very well believe her own theory about becoming a bitch, what she may not understand is that to me and the men I know, our wives will always remain the beautiful, sexy creatures we fell in love with. I think women will read this book and feel relieved to know that someone sees motherhood the way they do, and they will also laugh a lot. They will tell their friends and the word of this book will spread.

Besides, this book has to sell, because after what she’s done to the “character” of my mother, I will not be receiving an inheritance.

Her faithful servant,

Andrew Eliot Krents

2 comments:

Golda Poretsky, H.H.C. said...

I caught this on goodreads. Hilarious! Congratulations on your new book, Jennifer. I can't wait to read it!

Zoe said...

Oh thank god! I re read ''Little Stalker over & over, and was about to get 'High Maintenance' out again. I need a new Belle book! congrats, you rock!..